My wife let me sleep in today since work last week kicked my ass and i’ve been staying up late and getting up early to keep up with everything.
I woke up to a bunch of yelling and my soaking wet 4 year old jumping into bed crying. Turns out my wife was bathing the boys (4,1) and the little one was done, so she decided to let our toddler stay in by himself for a little bit. She said she told him to pull the shower plug and he said he would. We recently moved and don’t have a bathtub at the new house so he likes to fill up the shower until right before it flows over which i hate but my wife lets him do. It get the floors soaked and the trim all around the shower is rotting and growing mold. I’ve asked them both so many times to stop, and explained to my son that I’m working on getting a tub put in but it’ll take time.
Well it turns out he did not pull the shower plug, and 10 minutes later my wife went in there to get him and he was trying to dry the flooded bathroom floor with toilet paper. He immediately knew he fucked up so he ran to me because I’m his safe space no matter what, always. I’ve never yelled at him in an aggressive tone, I’ve never hit or spanked him, when he’s in trouble i talk him through it in a calm tone, even if i had to put on my stern voice.
I was not a space space today. My wife called me downstairs in a hurry and the water from the bathroom was coming through the dining room ceiling out of the hole cut for the chandelier light. I know the run of wires there is knob and tube and there was either smoke or steam from the water hitting the bulbs.
From there i lost it, i couldn’t even look at my son for half the day. Even when i wasn’t doing anything and he asked me to play i told him no, when he kept asking i yelled back something about being in no mood and for him to stop asking. I snapped at my wife pretty bad, i told her they have no respect for the house and id been telling them to be more careful for months. I went in on her for leaving our toddler alone in the shower for so long and how she didn’t take the plug herself. I said something about them ruining our house, which i do think they need to do less reckless stuff in the house and have been trying to think of a nice way to frame in a conversation, instead it came out in a fit of rage.
I ended up having a heart fit and chest pain and i yelled at them both to leave me alone. As I’m clutching my chest falling to the floor, my toddler just wanted to help me because its happened before and we talked to him about what to do, and he was doing exactly what we told him, but i told him to leave.
I feel like i really fucked up today as a father and a partner. It was a very stressful situation, and i think my frustration was justified, but i cant stand how it came out and how i handled everything today.
I feel like i spent the whole day hating my family whom i love very much.
There are literally 100s of dads out there doing this and worse right now. It sounds like you’re a great dad almost every day. That much is obvious from the things you’ve said. This was a bad day for you. It’s okay to have bad days.
I’m willing to bet that if you’re the kind of person to think about this enough to write it out, then you’ll also certainly think about what worked and didn’t work today. You’ll come up with solutions. Either you’ll change yourself or you’ll change something about the family dynamic to ensure that it doesn’t get this bad again. I believe in you; you’ll come away from this better than before.
And never forget that parenting is hard. Much harder than any person realizes before they are a parent. It’s okay to fail at doing hard things some times. Just don’t stop putting in the effort. You’ve got this. We’re cheering for you.
These unavoidable days suck. Faltering does not mean failing. Your kids are the age where if you fuck up, and feel bad about it, they can feel you. When they see old dad return, they’ll write it off. They might not even remember it come morning.
It has to be a frequent, recurring problem before they start to expect it or lose faith in the dad they already know.
Throw your hands up and make a face, today got the better of you. Tomorrow, it won’t.
I didn’t read everything but at that heart stuff and having a little background in that - when was your last visit at the cardiologist and are you under medical care regarding that? From the story that is my absolute priority as it might well be life threatening.
The last time I went was about 6 months ago when I wound up in the hospital. There’s multiple things that are wrong with my heart that usually aren’t an issue but in combination and the frequency, when I get too wound up my heart just starts breakdancing at a salsa class.
It used to be a pretty frequent issue but they put me on some meds and it’s gotten better. It only happens in very stressful situations where I can’t can down now, but usually I can find a way to relax before it gets bad.
You had a stress reaction. It happens. The important thing is to learn from it so that you react in a better way next time. Apologize to your wife and talk to your son about why that frustrated you so much. It’s more important to deal with fuck-ups than it is to worry about never ever fucking up.
Sounds like a great chance to teach the child, they got to see the consequences of a bad decision directly and it will likely be memorable. Perhaps:
- How to forgive someone who makes a mistake
- Making a bad choice doesn’t make you a bad person (and a good lesson for you to remember too)
- How to avoid repeating a past mistake
- How to try and make things right
Also, maybe grab a suction cup toy, vinyl sticker, or other device to mark the highest the shower should be filled. A visual will help them know the limit.
Working late, heart problems when stressed, no time to work on the house, snapping at your family when they cause a bigger setback?
Dude, your job is killing you. You are being worked too hard. Your stress is too high. How many panic attacks have you had since you’ve worked there? Your family will mourn you if you die for your job. Your job will post your position on Indeed the day after.
I was in your boat. I tried working less, asking management for help, taking vacation, meditation, etc. Some of those helped a little, but it didn’t fix it. I got a job elsewhere and while it’s not perfect, my family life is better, I feel much better and my heart doesn’t hurt.
Take care of yourself. Your job won’t.
Your frustration is absolutely 100000% justified. Your kid is a kid. Your wife should know better and stop enabling water damage to the house.
You’re running on fumes. This is absolutely not sustainable, and especially not if you have a heart condition that is serious enough that your 4yo knows what to do in case anything happens to you. Clearly he still cares about you if he was trying to help.
Make amends with your son. Talk to your wife. Someone else said it too, but you have got to be on the same page to survive this insane phase of raising tiny people.
